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First published as "I wasn't born yesterday, you know!" in my blog at chiXoclock.com:
Rules are made to be broken. And good advice should always be discarded.
That is why nobody bothers with red lights at traffic junctions in the Philippines. And I always ignore my own advice - about not supporting Filipina bar girls in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed…
I am talking, of course, about the habit of soft-hearted, silly old foreign gits, (like me!) - and their propensity to believe every single girl in town, night after night; when they come out with the same old storey about: Oh? How frightened they are to ride home in a jeepney in the small hours of the morning. (Never mind the fact that they ALL have the option of staying where they are until 6:00am - when the sun is already beating down; the whole country is in FULL swing and “hold-appers” are very few and far between!?!!) Meaning to say, of course, that you are supposed to give them money for a taxi fare - even though you have absolutely NO intention of fucking them! I mean… Even if you could possibly still “get it up” after ten or twelve bottles of smb; the expense of a bar fine and - and no small amount of your measly ex-pat’s subsistence, (read “beer” money!) allowance in a so-called “tip” - would definitely NOT meet with your budget for the night.
It must be something of the father in us. You know… Hell! We’ve all got a long list of ex-wives and still dearly loved kids all around the world.
Oh come on! Do I really have to list all the other “diskarte” tricks and ploys that these lovely young girls use, night after night, on silly old buggers like me?
I’m hungry! (Always said whilst rubbing the stomach with a motion of ever decreasing little circles.) Read: “Whilst you may not have had anything more than a peanut butter sandwich before you left home - and a tiny, (I mean TINY - they always cost 10 pesos but with inflation, they get smaller and smaller!) packet of peanuts on the bus into town - for the whole day; I have not eaten in the last twenty minutes. NOW BUY ME FOOD! Preferably a big pizza or something nice from Jollibee!”
Give me load - so that I can text you! (Even though the one thing you NEVER do in your busy ex-pat’s day is waste precious drinking time on TEXTING!?!! Up-loading porn to one the many websites that you are trying to finance your drinking habits with? Yes! Sure! But TEXTING??? …NEVER!!!!!)
Wala kaming kostomer. Ilan mga gabi na! (We haven’t had a single customer for several nights in a row. - Meaning: Can you pay my electricity bill and my room rent for me? Next thing, Roger, the manager, is asking you if you can move along a bit - just to make way for the visiting rugby team that has just moved into town and needs refreshment and other things that rugby players need!)
Nauuhaw ako! (I’m thirsty. And DON’T take the piss by offering me a glass of water. I want a “ladies drink!”)
Horny na ako! (But my husband won’t mind - just as long as I come home with some milk powder for our baby; cigarettes and Red Horse beer for him - and his “pang sabong” betting money for the local cock-fight!)
The list goes on... And on and on! But you get the picture.
Once, I even tried to explain to one of the girls in the Red Garter that having basically fucked-up my life - (two divorces. Having bought and lost two houses and just about all my savings to two wives. Kids all around the world… Some of whom might actually even be mine! Spent half of my life working my arse off and the other half pissing it up in bars - not to mention falling for every hard luck plea of every gorgeous little bar girl that I have ever met along the way) - after, thirty three years of working at sea, I actually have the grand total of 15,000 pesos (about US$ 300.00) in the bank, in life savings - and I intend to keep it there!
This is the good bit though… Get this!
The girl, (in her very early twenties,) turned around to me with a tired and very worldly-warn and knowing expression - and told me, in perfect English:
“Come on! I wasn’t born yesterday!”
Rules are made to be broken. And good advice should always be discarded.
That is why nobody bothers with red lights at traffic junctions in the Philippines. And I always ignore my own advice - about not supporting Filipina bar girls in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed…
I am talking, of course, about the habit of soft-hearted, silly old foreign gits, (like me!) - and their propensity to believe every single girl in town, night after night; when they come out with the same old storey about: Oh? How frightened they are to ride home in a jeepney in the small hours of the morning. (Never mind the fact that they ALL have the option of staying where they are until 6:00am - when the sun is already beating down; the whole country is in FULL swing and “hold-appers” are very few and far between!?!!) Meaning to say, of course, that you are supposed to give them money for a taxi fare - even though you have absolutely NO intention of fucking them! I mean… Even if you could possibly still “get it up” after ten or twelve bottles of smb; the expense of a bar fine and - and no small amount of your measly ex-pat’s subsistence, (read “beer” money!) allowance in a so-called “tip” - would definitely NOT meet with your budget for the night.
It must be something of the father in us. You know… Hell! We’ve all got a long list of ex-wives and still dearly loved kids all around the world.
Oh come on! Do I really have to list all the other “diskarte” tricks and ploys that these lovely young girls use, night after night, on silly old buggers like me?
I’m hungry! (Always said whilst rubbing the stomach with a motion of ever decreasing little circles.) Read: “Whilst you may not have had anything more than a peanut butter sandwich before you left home - and a tiny, (I mean TINY - they always cost 10 pesos but with inflation, they get smaller and smaller!) packet of peanuts on the bus into town - for the whole day; I have not eaten in the last twenty minutes. NOW BUY ME FOOD! Preferably a big pizza or something nice from Jollibee!”
Give me load - so that I can text you! (Even though the one thing you NEVER do in your busy ex-pat’s day is waste precious drinking time on TEXTING!?!! Up-loading porn to one the many websites that you are trying to finance your drinking habits with? Yes! Sure! But TEXTING??? …NEVER!!!!!)
Wala kaming kostomer. Ilan mga gabi na! (We haven’t had a single customer for several nights in a row. - Meaning: Can you pay my electricity bill and my room rent for me? Next thing, Roger, the manager, is asking you if you can move along a bit - just to make way for the visiting rugby team that has just moved into town and needs refreshment and other things that rugby players need!)
Nauuhaw ako! (I’m thirsty. And DON’T take the piss by offering me a glass of water. I want a “ladies drink!”)
Horny na ako! (But my husband won’t mind - just as long as I come home with some milk powder for our baby; cigarettes and Red Horse beer for him - and his “pang sabong” betting money for the local cock-fight!)
The list goes on... And on and on! But you get the picture.
Once, I even tried to explain to one of the girls in the Red Garter that having basically fucked-up my life - (two divorces. Having bought and lost two houses and just about all my savings to two wives. Kids all around the world… Some of whom might actually even be mine! Spent half of my life working my arse off and the other half pissing it up in bars - not to mention falling for every hard luck plea of every gorgeous little bar girl that I have ever met along the way) - after, thirty three years of working at sea, I actually have the grand total of 15,000 pesos (about US$ 300.00) in the bank, in life savings - and I intend to keep it there!
This is the good bit though… Get this!
The girl, (in her very early twenties,) turned around to me with a tired and very worldly-warn and knowing expression - and told me, in perfect English:
“Come on! I wasn’t born yesterday!”
